I thought we were strong enough, I didn’t ever think this would be an issue. But here we find ourselves quarreling. I don’t doubt that any relationship would get rocky in this scenario but it’s hard to believe it’s mine. I was too comfortable and it wore him down. 

Here’s a little context. As I am typing this I am in the Seattle Children’s Hospital on the cardiac floor. The 8 months my fiancé and I attended uncountable appointments, so many echocardiogram, and did a lot of traveling to Boise from Sun Valley. Our son came at 28 weeks, I had barely hit my third trimester. My life stopped in that moment and was medically transported to a bigger hospital  (Boise). My fiancé and I spent 72 days over 100 miles from home to be with our preemie son. 

During that time he was always breathing very fast, and when I say fast I mean 70+bpm the entire time we were in the NICU. No one really knew why except they could hear a murmur in his heart and apparently it was a very loud murmur. I took note of this and when Ben and I started asking more questions, we asked what happens if it turns out to need more attention, she said “you will see a cardiologist for a checkup in a month or two”. Ben then said “ok great, but what happens in the worst case scenario?” and she replied “you’d go to Seattle”. After hearing that I said to my mom “we’re going to end up in Seattle.” and sure enough, here we are. 

Gunnar was diagnosed with an ASD hole in his heart (along with a PDA hole which is common for preemie babies). The hole turned out to be 1/3 of the size of his heart and would need weekly echocardiograms and pediatric appointments. This went on for 8 months. The appointments slowed down the last 2 months and then we were playing the waiting game. Most kids can wait until they are 6 or 7 to close this hole but Gunnar’s was just too big to leave open and was not a candidate for a cath device because of the size. 

It was decided between many medical professionals and specialties that Gunnar needs open heart surgery to repair the ASD hole so from June all the way to September we felt like we were just holding our breath waiting for a surgery date. 

The weight of all of this really left a mark on our relationship and love life. I became tired 24/7 therefore became somewhat of a cranky and critical person towards my fiancé. We’ve talked about it and Im really working towards a more positive attitude about everything in general. I need to show more love and appreciation for his dedication to this family and all that he does. 

Somewhere down the line I became too comfortable and the stress of this situation made it worse. The lack of sleep and not having the energy made for anything makes me cranky. I took it out on him, I wore him down. And now that I am trying, he seems  to already be shut down. Am I too late?